Thursday, November 17, 2011

Living Out Loud

I have been wrestling lately with the concept - I have had a TON of changes over the past year and a half - closed my store, moved (into an apt WITH my mother), gotten a new job and a few others...when i began this journey - these were not places i saw myself EVER - it's hard to be GULP 38 and starting over - Annie has had some health set backs which has led to both of us having frustrations....

I feel like i have to "contain" myself because in this day and age everyone is watching and EVERYONE is judging....I am constantly thinking "should i say that?" "will it offend anyone?" "did someone get left out?" "did they get my tone"" "what if people get mad or don't approve?"

Can't i just put the friggin' picture up without worrying that someone is out of the loop or may take it the wrong way....or if my denaisms and profanity bother my CLOSEST 868+ friends on facebook....

Do I have to always be nice back when people aren't nice to me?

Do you really lose friends because A) they don't agree with what you say/did or
B) because they didn't bother to listen to the whole story?

Am i REALLY what I have and not who i am?

I guess when you have 850 friends to spare it's easy to just say f -'s the times

I (believe it or not) don't put the whole of my life on display - for several reasons - but the biggest one is - SOME OF IT'S MESSY - i have gotten to places that my heart is overjoyed with in ways that i'm NOT necessarily in like with...

Some of it I put in the "DENIAL PILE"

Annie is 7 and a half - legally blind, has epilepsy and my 4yo that could count to 20 in spanish, could recite my family tree, alphabet, shapes and was progressing is now not counting at all...can't distinguish shapes, count to 10 or say her abcs - is this permanent? Is it caused by epilipsy or medicine? and i've learned (the hard way - which is usually how i roll) that people don't want to know because it causes anxiety in their shiny lives....I know it does suck but mostly for ANNIE!!

So this is what I leave you with...if you are my FRIEND - I LOVE YOU to the MOON AND BACK - no matter what you have done, said or how you got where you are going...

AND PS ~ If you don't like it or you disagree you can A) not listen B) defriend me or C) talk about me to others but do NOT call, email, or write me telling me why you won't or don't because - I am taking my life back and LIVING OUT LOUD!!

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Cathy said...

Yeah. Life is what happens to us when we're busy making other plans, right?
I love you to the moon and back and your little Annie too. Whatever you do, whatever you say, doesn't matter, doesn't change it.
So glad to see you've made a positive decision to please yourself, not everyone else. I happen to be a people pleaser from way back, so I do sympathize. You just be the best Dena you can be and that's all anyone can ask. I love you just the way you are!!!!

Cheri said...

You go girl!!
I'm sorry Annie is having struggles but I'm so happy that she has you for her mom! You keep being you- I wouldn't want my sister any other way :)

Mari said...

I'm afraid I can't defriend you - you're my sister so I'm stuck with you! :)
Hope you know I kidding - I wouldn't want to change you!
I hate when people take things wrong and get all bent out of shape. Annie is so blessed to have such a wonderful Mom. I'm sorry she is dealing with these tough things.

Jamie said...

Thanks for the comment Dena, you are my hero! :)

I swear, we must be on the same wave-length, because half of what you wrote is EXACTLY how I'm feeling about my situation.

I always feel like I have to censor what I say, for fear of hurting someone else's feelings. Yet, the people I'm worried about hurting, are the SAME people who are always hurting me! So why can they say whatever they want, but I can't?
I swear, sometimes I feel like life is just a bigger version of Middle School. lol

Hang in there, Annie is lucky to have you as her Mommy. Hopefully things turn around for you guys soon.
And if they don't, you can stop by my blog anytime to bitch! :)

Terri said...

I'm going to have to agree with our sisters - no way would I defriend you. I also am sorry that Annie is struggling - it's so hard to see our kids having a hard time. You just keep being the great Mom and sister that you are - remember we all love you!

julie said...

Girl, where have I been?!

You GOTTA VENT ... Get it OUT, girl :)

These last two post are pretty big deals. Hang in there!!